Monday, November 11, 2013

Seeking Approval- don't push it away like a disease, embrace it instead

Monday, November 11, 2013
Whenever I am in an argument with a loved one, I always noticed that there is a sense of awkwardness following the post-argument. I often find myself worrying about what the other person thinks of me, and how they feel and if they notice that I am a human too like them, with feelings and emotions.

Sometimes in the post-argument, I would find myself feeling dissatisfied because I always expect myself to deliver my message through. Sometimes it could be because of other factors too... This would go on for man years, and eventually it turned into a self-judgement. Whenever I am conscious about what others feel and think about me, I am putting myself down even more with self-judgement.

This went on for many years, and without realizing, it turned into self-judgement. Eventually, years later after self-observation, I finally found out the root cause of my act which led me back to my childhood experience. I finally understand that the reason why I was always trying to prove my point was because I was constantly seeking for others' approval.

With this self-realization, it has given me better understanding about myself. I am still learning but day by day, I try my best to be aware of my own actions. How do I feel whenever I make mistakes? Truth be told, I am still disappointed at myself but instead of trying to prove my point, I try to remind myself that the only person that I should answer to is Me.

Whenever I find myself in this situation, I would experience a familiar feeling that I once felt when I was a kid. The familiar feeling was an anxious feeling of only being able to see through things that others cannot see and constantly trying so hard to prove my point or prove myself; especially when I know I am not in the wrong.

It doesn't get easier though. Because I know that the challenging part about this experience is struggling with finding peace with my loved ones. 

In my own journey, I improved from scratching off seeking approval of my peers, then off from myself, but it always seem challenging with seeking approval from my loved ones, especially my family. Whenever I find myself in this little situation, I asked myself over and over again why do I feel the need to seek for my own family's approval. 

Is it 

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